Frank D. Hill is a freelance writer and communications volunteer at the Center for Conflict Resolution.

Everyone wants to be understood. But unless both parties believe that their voices are heard and acknowledged, real communication is impossible. When we understand one another, we can work together to find solutions to problems. This is true even when we disagree. So, effective communication begins with—and is built on—understanding.

Developing the following skills will go a long way toward fostering understanding when you disagree with someone:

• Active listening
• Curiosity, open-ended questions, and translating positions
• Respectful and nonjudgmental communication

Active Listening

We’ve all had the experience of feeling ignored. We’ve also all been in situations where we could have been better listeners. Even the most attentive among us have had the experience of momentarily spacing out and not hearing what someone has said. Listening is a skill like any other and it requires practice.

The following tools are useful in cultivating active listening:

• Let your body show that you’re engaged
• Don’t spend your time formulating a response
• Acknowledge emotions and summarize the content

Let your body show that you’re engaged

Body language has a lot to do with how people perceive whether or not the person they’re speaking with is engaged. If you want to make sure the other person knows they have your full attention, be sure to:

• Make eye contact,
• Avoid fidgeting,
• Square your shoulders in the direction of the other speaker
• Use small verbal cues like saying “uh huh”
• Use small visual cues like nodding your head

These practices can let someone know you’re hearing and understanding what they’ve said.

Don’t spend your time formulating a response

When the other person is speaking, don’t spend your time formulating how you will respond. If you’re thinking about your response, you can’t listen carefully to what they’re saying. Regardless of whether multitasking is an actual strategy or corporate myth, it doesn’t apply when having a conversation. You should:

• slow down,
• pay attention to the issue at hand, and
• listen for key information.

These practices will help you understand what you’re hearing.

Acknowledge emotions and summarize the content

It is important to acknowledge emotions. While you should name the emotions to the best of your ability, you don’t need to dwell on them. The key is to acknowledge the other person’s emotions, not ignore them. Emotions are signposts for what is truly important to someone. Emotions signify their underlying needs and interests (more on this later). Left unacknowledged, emotions can boil over.

Summarize content means just that: rephrase what the person has said to you using your own words or rephrasing what they’ve said. For example, if someone gets red in the face and screams, “Why don’t you ever take me seriously?” you could start by acknowledging their emotion and then summarize what you have heard. “You seem very angry and it sounds to me like you feel as though I don’t take you seriously.” Acknowledgment and summarization are simple tools that let the person know they are being heard.

Curiosity, open-ended questions, and translating positions

Curiosity

They say curiosity killed the cat, but the same can’t be said of conversations. Curiosity drives good understanding in conversations. So, follow where your curiosity leads. Ask “why” questions such as:

• “Why do you feel that way?”
• “Why do you say that?”
• “Why is that important to you?”

Open-ended questions

There are two types of questions: closed and open. A closed-ended question invites a "yes" or "no" response. An open-ended question invites a more narrative response. Notice the three questions in the previous section. Each one is open-ended, inviting the person to share more information.

Translating positions

Finally, we want to translate positions into needs and interests. Positions are where we start in a conversation. They are like demands. For example, a divorcing parent might start out parenting time negotiations by saying, “I want full custody!” This is a positional statement. That parent’s needs and interests are the underlying reasons for making the demand. They might be afraid of losing quality time with the children. Or maybe they don’t trust the other parent to appropriately discipline the children.

Sometimes positions can only be satisfied in one way (such as with full custody in the example above). Needs and interests can often be satisfied in a variety of ways (again, using the example above: by making sure parenting time fits a schedule that allows for quality interaction for the parent, or discussing disciplinary approaches and parenting philosophy). The more we can translate a person’s positions into needs and interests, the more we understand about what is truly important to that person. This is where the curiosity and open-ended questions really are our friends. They allow us to uncover those deep needs and interests and open up possibilities for resolution.

Respectful/nonjudgmental communication

We’ve talked a lot about how you listen in a conversation, but how you talk is equally important. In order to foster understanding, you want to do the following:

• Separate the person from the problem
• Keep your own emotions out of it
• Point out common ground

Separate the person from the problem

Always be clear that you do not have a problem with the person, but instead have a disagreement about ideas or how to solve a problem. Doing so puts you on the same team, so to speak. It helps you work together on a problem that is external to yourselves or your relationship.

Affirm the person’s value whenever possible and to the appropriate degree. This depends on the relationship you have with them. In a conversation with a co-worker, you might say something like, “You know I have great respect for you and the work you contribute to the team…” Or, in a conversation with a family member, “You know I love you…”

These simple affirmations can go a long way toward soothing tensions that naturally arise in disagreements.

Keep your own emotions out of it

Try, to the best of your ability, to keep your emotions out of the conversation. This doesn’t mean being a robot.Just try to maintain objectivity about the subject of the disagreement. This is easier said than done most of the time. And, like active listening, this takes practice. In the moment, breathing deeply from your diaphragm (into your belly instead of your chest) and trying to relax into your body may help diffuse negative emotions.

Point out common ground

Pointing out common ground is disarming and can often de-escalate a disagreement. This doesn’t mean acquiescing or giving in. However, if you hear the other person say something you truly do agree with, make sure you highlight it.

Takeaways

The first step to effective communication in a disagreement is fostering understanding. Without it, we cannot accomplish anything resembling agreement. Understanding requires us to listen actively, engage our curiosity, and communicate respectfully. When we do these things, we progress toward effective communication. Even if we agree to disagree in the end, we will know we have done our best to hear and be heard.